Comments on “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” (Mark Manson)

Letting Go of "Toxic Positivity"

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I bought “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck’ (hardback with the orange cover) several years ago, perhaps in 2017 or 2018. It sat, unread, on my shelf for years. It followed me from the Bay Area to New York City, where, living in lower East Harlem, I finally read it sometime in 2020 during the Pandemic.

It changed my life.

The book questions everything we have been told by popular legacy media. And nearly every single thing he states I feel viscerally to be true in my own “lived experience,” as the youngsters now say.

Here are two of my favorite lines in the book:

1.    “The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”

2.    “ It’s what the philosopher Alan Watts used to refer to as ‘the backwards law’—the idea that the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you don’t have it in the first place.”

This all seems—to me—patently obvious. The phrase “toxic positivity” is, in my view, a silly phrase (I nearly reject all Woke Language, including the obsession with the word “toxic”) and yet it does seem to capture the absurdity of our current moment. Everyone is supposed to be “happy” and “warm” and “affirmative” and “inclusive” and “light.”

No.

This is precisely what Buddhist meditation tries to shift. (I have been doing solo and group meditation regularly, on and off, for the past 12 years, ever since I stopped drinking.) The idea in meditation is very often badly misunderstood. Usually Americans think of it as “not thinking” or “being content” or “removing uncomfortable feelings.”

This is desperately wrong.

The idea of meditation is the exact opposite: The “goal” (in so far as there is one) is to BE HERE NOW WITH WHAT IS. It’s about what I’ll call “cognitive inclusion,” meaning the notion that whatever is arising both inside and outside of the mind: Including that. Voices outside; dogs barking; traffic; your kids or roommates or sibling or spouse in the other room; and also whatever wild, rabid, incessant OCD thoughts, feelings, etc arise within your consciousness.

Include ALL of it. Let ALL of it in. Don’t fight it or push it away or resist it; and similarly, don’t cling to it or try to hold it close. Instead, simply allow everything to be there.

Think of Rumi’s famous poem “The Guest House”:

The Guest House

By Rumi

​

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I think this poem is spectacular; just gorgeous. One of my first therapists—in 2011, I think—had me read it. The language and spirit of it nail down exactly what I’m saying here: Let it all in; let it all be; let it all go. All the while you can keep coming back and back and back “to the breath,” which is the only certain thing we have. No matter what: We all breathe. Until we don’t. And then we lose consciousness. It’s as if we return to pre-birth.

Going back to Subtle Art: I think my generation (Millennials) and under have been sort of screwed when it comes to social/societal expectations clashing with cold, hard Reality. We somehow think we’re supposed to constantly put on our Positivity Mask and act as if we’re thrilled to be alive every second of every day. Social Media doesn’t help; with these platforms comes the need to socially act “as if” instead of showing our true weak, vulnerable, authentic selves.

What’s the solution? Put bluntly, the only honest answer is: Who the heck knows. That said, I think a good start in the right direction might be owning the fact that anger, rage, fear, resentment, desperation, depression, etc etc etc are ENTIRELY HUMAN AND NORMAL and should not be pathologized. I’m not suggesting we should sit there and stew in our anger or fear, and I’m definitely not suggesting victimhood. That’s the exact wrong direction. What I’m saying is: Feel your feelings, experience your true sensations. Allow it all in; don’t deny anything because you think you’re not “supposed” to feel or think it.

Henry Miller, in “Tropic of Capricorn” famously wrote that “if we could all read each other’s minds we’d all be in prison.” He’s right. Whether it’s (controversially) racism or violence or rage or hatred or “fear of the other” or anything else: Human beings always have, do now, and always will think and feel these thoughts. It is what it is. Allow all of this into your psyche. I’m NOT suggesting that racism, for example, is “ok” to express openly or to act on. And if you feel sincere racist thoughts my suggestion would be to travel widely and read many books.

That said: You aren’t a bad person for having “controversial” thoughts. Welcome to the Human Race. All of us—of all races, genders, cultures, religions, geographical areas—feel and think “inappropriate” things. That’s normal. Try driving on the I-405 freeway in LA and getting cut off. What goes through your mind? What if the driver who cut you off is of a different race? You get my point. Let’s stop pretending we’re all pure.

What is the point of existence? Of literature? Of deep thought?

My answer: Developing a clear, healthy relationship with Reality on its own terms; looking at and studying and trying to deeply understand WHAT IS, not what “should be” (which is subjective). Of course What Is isn’t 100% objective, but we can collectively (I hope) agree on the basics: There are about 7 billion people on the planet, for example; about half the world is men, half women; there are basic biological differences between men and women; we have a U.S. Constitution, which is interpreted in all kinds of ways from many different angles; Twitter was just bought by Elon Musk; etc. (I could go on, ad infinitum.)

Let yourself be angry, sad, isolated, confused, depressed, resentful. Time allows all things to pass and change, morph into other thoughts, feelings and insights. There’s no need to immediately, purposefully change your current experience.

Allow life to happen to you. It’s going to anyway.