My Covid/NYC Novel
A novel about Covid, sobriety, and unlikely love
DISGUST AND DESIRE: A SOBRIETY/COVID NOVEL
Covid, 2020: An unlikely romantic relationship develops between two people so different that it’s hard to imagine. Laura DiLane is a beautiful 27-year-old woman from money living in the Upper East Side (she has a Venture Capitalist boyfriend). Sam Bouchard, in contrast, is a 39-year-old homeless alcoholic sleeping in Central Park. Sam is a good man but broken. Laura is a deep woman but living in a superficial world. When they meet, against all the odds, everything changes.
Here’s the opening two chapters. Free up to chapter 5. Then for paid subscribers only. Consider going paid for only $35/year.
Disgust and Desire
A Novel
1.
Sam sat on one of the green benches surrounding the Sailboat Pond in Central Park, near 72nd and 5th Ave. Mid-day in September on a Saturday. Twenty-twenty: The Year of Chaos. Trump. The Virus. Political division. More personally: Homelessness.
People were all around, but, due to the Pandemic—many New Yorkers had fled the city—it was still pretty desolate. The French man in all-white clothing played jazz on his saxophone. Sam remembered the first time he discovered the Sailboat Pond. The man had been playing that afternoon, too, in late August, 2017, and it had made him imagine Paris. Paris in the twenties, when Fitzgerald and Hemingway and Stein were there. Romantic. It had taken him away from his past for a while. And from his horrid present.
It wasn’t all bad, being homeless. He had no boss. No one lorded anything over him. He didn’t pay taxes. He didn’t vote. He didn’t work, at least not often; only when he needed or wanted to. He just…survived. That was a fulltime job in and of itself. But, in many ways, he felt free. And yet, on the flip side he felt trapped. Horrendously, absurdly trapped. It was an evolving conundrum.
It was around three in the afternoon. Sunny and nice. Blue sky. Hot sunshine against his skin. He closed his eyes, felt the heat on his flesh. Where would he sleep tonight? He needed money, mainly for alcohol. He was bone-dry. He didn’t like being sober. All those frizzy feelings came back when he was sober. His obsessive thinking. The bad recollections.
He spent an hour begging for change. Tourists were kind. He made a fast ten bucks. In winter this would be impossible in an hour. But in early fall it happened sometimes.
Sam slid his messenger bag over his shoulder and walked south to 72nd. He headed east a few blocks to Lexington. Down on Lex and 71st there was a liquor store, Lexington Liquors. He entered like a child about to buy supplies for his first day of class. He bought a pint of Southern Comfort, 80-proof.
Outside he ambled slowly back towards the park. No one was around but he knew the NYPD 19th precinct was close by, on 67th between Lex and 3rd Ave. He wouldn’t risk it. He’d only encountered police a few times in the three years he’d been here, and they’d always been decent. They never gave him shit. They weren’t exactly kind…but they weren’t terrible. They were nicer than many pedestrians. He was white. That always helped. He’d witnessed the cops fucking with black homeless a few times. It was jacked-up.
Back in the park—Billy Johnson Playground between 66th and 67th—he walked in and took a slight left and, beyond some benches, he moved into an area on the grass where some large, tall trees were. They provided shade and some solitude. He wanted to be alone.
He slid down against a thick tree trunk. He heard the distant voices of kids. Wind rushed through the park, rustling the tree leaves above. He liked that sound. It reminded him of hiking with his father in Eastern Washington. Snoqualmie. Cougar Valley Regional Park. He saw the tall, craggy, snow-capped mountain peaks. The rugged, thin trails. He, just eight the first time, holding his father’s big, calloused hand. He remembered the brilliant stars in the dark dome of sky at night. Asking his father about the Milky Way, about stars.
But then he had The Bad Thought. That memory. Eleven.
Backpacking with Dad. This time in Rattlesnake Mountain area, about an hour’s drive southeast of Seattle. Just the two of them. Dad had been in a bad mood. He’d had to let go of an employee. His parents had fought the night before about it. His dad had gotten drunk. That was rare.
That night, getting to camp—it was late October, cold, absolutely empty—a few miles in the backcountry, his father made them a T-bone steak, using the old rusty makeshift grill between two stones around the fire pit. They ate heartily, like cowboys in the 19th century, or so Sam imagined. He’d brought a book to read, The Count of Monte Cristo. He’d use his headlamp in his tent to read, later. This excited him. But he looked forward to talking to his father before that. He knew his father loved him. But he’d always been a little cold. Detached. So he cherished these trips alone together.
They finished their steak. Darkness had fallen. It was cold. Dad had built up the fire. It was raging, orange and red and blue, licking and popping. Sam loved the feel of the flames. The smell of it. The rich earth; the wood burning. Crickets made their noises. A coyote somewhere howled. The moon rose. Tall trees surrounded them.
His father did something he’d never done before. He pulled out a big bottle—a handle of Vodka—unscrewed the cap, and drank from it. His father scrunched his mouth after each swig. Sam wanted to ask him about it but he remained silent.
After a while, his dad set the bottle down and sat there, in darkness, silent. Sam wondered what he was thinking. Before Sam could speak, his father said, in a low, guttural voice. “I had to fire James Henderson a few days ago.”
Sam had met James once. He’d come to their house a few years ago. But he didn’t have a firm vision of the man. He didn’t really know him. His father picked up the bottle. He burped. In that moment Sam felt afraid. Something was off. His father sighed, long and low and loud. He snatched a pack of Marlboros from his backpack—another thing he’d never seen his father do—and placed one between his lips. He used a blue bic lighter to light the thing, using the palm of his free hand to shield the flame from the breeze.
“Dad?”
His father drew hard on the cigarette, his mouth pinching, and Sam saw the orange dot in the darkness. He could see the silhouette of his father.
“Yes, son?” There seemed to be an edge in his father’s voice.
“Why are you drinking and smoking?”
His father waited a long, long time to answer.
“You know,” his dad said. He pulled again on his cigarette, and fondled his chin with his hand. “Your mother can be a real bitch sometimes.”
Sam was shocked. Had his father just called his mom a bitch? They seemed to always be so kind to each other. Well. They yelled a lot. Once he saw his father shove his mother down to the ground. She called him a bastard. Ran off crying. But that was years ago.
Before Sam could speak, his father said, “I had to fire James because of her. Your mother.”
“But…why?”
Dad picked up the bottle again and drank, long and deep. He set it down. Burped.
“Well. Your goddamn mom claims that she and James had an affair. She says they’ve been fucking for six months. He supposedly takes her to some motel during his two days off during the week.” His father leaned his head back and laughed. He laughed so furiously, so hard, that it seemed fake. Like his father was acting. Trying to sound like he was laughing. “I dunno, sonny-boy,” his dad drawled. His words now were slightly edged with rage, slippery, mumbly. “I should have divorced that bitch years ago. You know that?” He paused. “God. My own goddamn employee. Figure that! Right under my fucking nose.”
“Dad…”
“Come here, Sam.”
“Dad…”
“Come to me, boy.”
“But, dad…”
“Get your ass over here, kid. NOW.”
His father had yelled. It stunned Sam. This had never happened before. The silence of the night seemed cracked. He didn’t like this. He wanted to hike back to his father’s truck. Go home.
Sam stood. He carefully, slowly walked by the crackling fire, feeling the radiating heat against his legs.
“Closer,” his father said.
Sam stepped closer. He smelled the Vodka on his father’s breath. The trace of his father’s cologne. His arm-pit body odor. And that unique dad scent.
His father held Sam’s chin with his right hand. Dad’s eyes were black and loose, distant, far away. Sam just wanted this nightmare to be over.
“Promise me,” his father said. “Promise me you’ll never be like your mother. Promise me you’ll be a good kid. That you’ll be kind. That’ll you’ll be generous. And decent.” He wanted to defend his mother but he was scared. He stood very still. His father stared at him. Then his dad picked up the bottle and said, “Drink.”
Sam didn’t want to. He was a good kid. A little weird, kinda shy, but he studied and got good grades. He was thoughtful around girls. He listened. He followed the rules. He didn’t bully or cheat or steal. It was true he didn’t have any friends. But he read books. Authors were his friends. His guides.
“I don’t want to,” Sam said.
His father laughed. He let go of Sam’s chin. He grabbed his yellow hiking mug and filled it with Vodka. He held it out to Sam.
“Drink.”
Sam shook his head. “No. I don’t want it.”
Sam didn’t even see the huge palm come at him. His father slapped him across the cheek with such force that Sam stumbled back, tripped on one of the logs around the fire, and fell over. He landed hard on his ass on the dirt.
“Get up you little shit,” his father said.
Sam felt like crying but he held it in. He wanted to run but he resisted the impulse. He stepped to his father. His father held out the mug. Sam took it. He smelled it. Nasty. Ruthless.
“Go ahead,” his father said. “Make a man out of you yet. Your mom spoils you too much. Makes you soft.”
He held the mug. He lifted it to his lips and drank. Just a small sip. It burned like acid. He nearly vomited. It was disgusting.
“Again.”
“Dad…”
His father lifted his hand in preparation to slap him again. “Drink all of it.”
He wanted to protest. But he followed orders. He half gagged on it…and had to take breaks. But he drank it all. He felt warm and somehow happy and alive. It was as if the flames were inside of him now. The kindling had always been there. But now the flames leapt and rose. The fear seemed to somehow dissipate. He laughed. His father palmed his shoulder.
“Good job, son. See. It’s not so bad huh?”
Sam smiled. “It’s good.”
They sat there, across from each other, seeing one another through the crackling fire, in total silence, each on their own log, not speaking, hearing all the wildlife around their campsite.
Then they both passed out. The last thing Sam remembered thinking, before he drifted off, was, I need to get some more of this stuff. It’s like magic.
###
2.
Laura was back at home. Glancing up at her apartment on East 69th and Third Avenue, she sighed. Another work day over. She was an accountant at J.P. Morgan Chase. Her office was at the corner of 2nd and 58th Street, in Midtown. Easily walkable. Another 27-year-old Manhattan cliché. She was born and raised in San Francisco, in Pacific Heights, and moved to New York to attend NYU. She’d graduated with a degree in accounting two years ago.
She entered her apartment, slamming the door and triple-locking it behind her. Christ. Leaning her back against the shut door she closed her eyes. She was exhausted. The first thing she did was kick off her heels—J-Crew D’Orsay pumps. Reaching in her cabinet she snatched a clean wine glass. From her fridge she grabbed her bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. She poured a nice, full glass.
Stepping into her living room, she eyed her gigantic Matisse painting on her wall, the only piece of art she owned: Large Reclining Nude. The blue tiled background in the painting always stuck out to her. The misshapen, large-armed woman. The green bars above. The yellow ball, mixed with the red long rectangular shelf. It was oil and canvass. Her mother had bought it for her years ago. Mom, despite being a doctor, was a fervent art collector. She could talk your ear off about Matisse and Picasso and Cezanne and Gauguin. She especially loved 19th century French art.
Laura sat on her gray leather couch. It crunched. She kicked her feet onto the thick maple coffee table. She leaned back against the couch. Sighing again, she drank deeply from her glass. The chilled white wine swam slowly down her throat, into her stomach, that acidic, cloying taste, warming her insides. Thank God for wine.
God, she thought. Greg Torino. Greg was her boss at Chase. He wasn’t a bad guy. It was just that he so badly wanted to fuck her. (Then again: Who didn’t? She laughed at her own vanity.) He was 42—fifteen years older than her. And married. He had two kids. Men were absurd creatures, really. Good ole Biology: They wanted to “spread the seed.” They didn’t care if they were married and had kids. They wanted to screw. Laura sipped more wine. She began to feel slightly more calm, relaxed.
Getting involved with your boss was a bad idea. She’d been taken advantage of. At the first job she ever had. In San Francisco. When she was just barely twenty. The summer before she moved to New York City. She’d been a server at Joe’s Crab Shack along on Pier 33. Tourists came from all over the globe. She hated the job. People acted like assholes. Men undressed her with their eyes every day. The kids were out of control. Tips were shoddy. Rich people. She was annoyed by them even though she, herself, was “one of them.”
One night, after closing, when the restaurant was locked up and a few of them were mopping the floor and counting the register, Juan, one of the cooks, approached her and said, “Hey. Boss wants to see you. Told me to tell you.”
“About what?” she said.
Juan shrugged.
She leaned her mop against a nearby table and walked, slowly, across the restaurant, passing all the empty tables. She felt nervous. Her boss was a large, intimidating man. Mr. Rollins was easily 6’4. In his early fifties. He had a full head of graying hair, always gelled back like a greaser. On his right forearm he had a small tattoo. She’d realized weeks into the job that it was a military tattoo: An eagle clutching an olive branch with the letters U.S.M.C. around the eagle. He rarely smiled. He was married but had no kids. He and Laura had barely exchanged more than half a dozen words the two months she’d been there, besides her brief interview. His hands, she had often noted, were the size of baseball mitts, veined and wormy.
She stood in front of his office door. The door was big and wide and red and had a giant brass knob. The impulse to turn around and take off raced through her. She glanced back down the hallway. Empty. Barely, she could hear the sound of Juan and another boy speaking Spanish a ways off. And the very slight click of a keyboard behind the door.
Laura knocked, timidly. The typing ceased.
“Who is it?” a deep, booming voice said.
Her heart was punching her chest. “Me? Uh…Laura.”
“Come in.”
She breathed, holding the air, then releasing. Then she opened the heavy door. Stepped inside. It slammed loudly behind her.
His office was spacious. Blank white walls. Boxes everywhere. A big black safe. His huge oak desk. Mr. Rollins himself, sitting in his gigantic black leather high-backed chair. A shelf of books to his right. A window behind Mr. Rollins which faced a red brick wall.
He steepled his mammoth hands, creating a teepee with his fingers. He had a gray goatee. She didn’t think she’d even seen him in weeks. Barely at least.
“Sit down,” he said, indicating the brown wood chair in front of the desk.
She did, tugging her skirt down as she approached. She felt exposed. She was very conscious of her low-scooped blouse, with the stupid Joe’s Crab Shack gold pin.
They didn’t speak for a moment. He stared at her and, even though his eyes didn’t seem to move, she knew he was scanning her body up and down. He leaned back.
“So,” he said. He swiveled slightly in the chair. “How are you liking the job?”
Her tongue seemed stuck to the roof of her mouth. She didn’t know how to speak. Finally, she said, “It’s fine.”
He grinned. “Just fine?”
She blushed, feeling her cheeks stupidly redden. She felt like a child. An idiot.
Laura shrugged. “It’s…fine.”
He leaned back in the chair again. His eyes were pale blue and big. Everything about this man was big. He was big, she was small. That was life. That was gender. That was America. That was the world. She wasn’t a victim. But she was aware of his power.
He ogled her for a moment, serious, his lips clamped. And then he said, “Come here.”
“I’m sorry?”
He shoved his chair back, exposing his gargantuan thighs, covered in brand new beige Dockers, creased down the middle. He wore alligator boots. A black collared shirt, the top two buttons undone showed off sprouting chest hair. A gold chain with a crucified Christ hung where the open shirt cracked.
He smiled. “You heard me.”
Then she saw his bulge; the outline of his dick pushing against his Dockers. Fuck. She didn’t know what to do. She felt completely alone. Underwater, at the bottom of the sea, struggling to break through the surface, to breathe, to get air.
“Mr. Rollins. I better…I better get back to closing the restaurant. I have to get home.”
He smiled even wider. “Come.” He patted his thigh. “Here. Now, sweetheart.”
She didn’t like that. Sweetheart. Who did this demanding asshole think he was? One of those old-school sexist pricks.
Laura stood up. She walked to the door. She placed her hand on the knob.
“If you walk out that door you don’t have a job anymore.”
She hesitated. She didn’t move. When she turned around he was looking at her angrily. This man, she knew, was used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted it.
Uncertain, afraid, she let herself walk to him. She wasn’t sure why. She was twenty. She needed the extra cash from this job. Soon she’d be off to college in Manhattan, across the country. What did it matter? It’d be one more bad, disappointing experience. One more chink in the armor that was adulthood.
She came to him. He patted his wide, thick thigh. She tried not to look at his bulge. She turned, facing away from him, and sat on his lap. He reeked of Old Spice, sweat, and cigar smoke. She felt it push against her. Immediately the fear rose up inside of her, mixed the slight urge to vomit. Her adrenaline electrified her whole body. Fight or flight. Run. And yet she felt captured, stuck in time. It was like standing on quicksand.
Then his hands were on her stomach, rising, rising, grabbing at her breasts. He kissed her neck. His upper lip was scratchy on her smooth skin, tickling her collarbone. She felt confused and aroused. His hand reached to her thigh, felt slowly up, up, to under her skirt, and then found her panties. He removed the cloth and inserted his mammoth finger inside of her. It hurt a little. He moved his finger in and out.
And then, as if a robot suddenly coming to life, she jumped up and leapt away, tripping on her own feet, stumbling. She ran for the door. Tore it open. She heard him yell something behind her but she ignored it. In a panic, she ran.
She never came back. She received her final paycheck two weeks later in the mail. She told her parents she hadn’t liked the job.
Her memory was cleaved in two when her iPhone vibrated. She pulled it from her bra. It was Dylan, her ex. Good God, she didn’t want to talk to him. But she answered the call anyway.