The third paragraph of description is awful and jarring. Women don’t think of themselves in terms of what color their nipples are, and why is there such an emphasis on how skinny she is? Parts of this were engaging but that third paragraph felt slimy and voyeuristic to read in a way that repulsed me more than drawing me in. I felt like I was reading the introduction to a piece of smut, viewing this woman through the lens of a man leering at her naked body through a keyhole. (unless that’s what this is going to evolve into, in which case, ignore me.)
The third paragraph of description is awful and jarring. Women don’t think of themselves in terms of what color their nipples are, and why is there such an emphasis on how skinny she is? Parts of this were engaging but that third paragraph felt slimy and voyeuristic to read in a way that repulsed me more than drawing me in. I felt like I was reading the introduction to a piece of smut, viewing this woman through the lens of a man leering at her naked body through a keyhole. (unless that’s what this is going to evolve into, in which case, ignore me.)
Fair enough. I was aiming at a neutral self-observation. In your view I failed. I respect that. Also: Very much first draft.
First 2 grafs are excellent -- draws one right into an aspirational desire and achievement they can relate to
Thank you!!!