You have come from such a long way. Keep going, your doing good and pretty much on schedule for the 40's person. Everyone has 'something' -- Everyone. The reason your dad was how he was, the reason your mom was how she was....we all have 'something'.
The best and hardest thing I have to remind myself (with many somethings) is none of the things I perceive from others, is personal towards me. It's just their 'something-ness' (ms).
I so enjoy your substack and am excited for you and your new found home.
So many of us souls who hid inside our minds. Experimenting with drugs until I found my favorite. Drink? Never could I tried many times but always got sick. I’m sure that saved me from becoming an alcoholic. So instead I became a tweaker. I see them now- the ones living in their heads like I did. I swear if I was ever around the stuff now I would turn and walk away. But there is that still small voice which says Please? Just a little bit? I am quite sure I would not partake but who knows-we know the fight is forever. Now all the meds I have to take to keep my RA sort of under control so no way would I mix anything with those. Strange the things that take over our minds will also take control of our bodies as we dance through the days & nights of sobriety.
Strange the years prior I had friends who loved downers, the mellow, slow high that just let you chill. That was never me. I was full of energy back then, so I don’t know why my Master for years at a time was Speed, GoFast, Bing Bing Bing, all of those nicknames - all I wanted was more- crank, Ice, Meth.
I do not blame my using for my having RA. My very straight sister who once favored a Scotch & Soda now & then. It is in the family, RA. I was clean long before the diagnosis. I thought about how I could have made this happen. Nope it was in me from birth.
Now the meds I hate all those years ago, are my life line. I can easily not take too many but the pain is brutal now & then.
So I used back then to try to outrun myself only to find that little girl who lost her Daddy at 12. I was running from how to deal with it.
Sorry for the long reply. Sometimes it just flows on its own.
I love your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your stories. I am so glad you and Britney are “home” for now. Enjoy your journey and all the stops along the way.
Glorious to know you as we approach your 14th sober birthday in 5 days. Ahh I remember yards and yards of orange track spread all over the house for my Hot Wheels. Great memories and I wish I still had that footlocker full of cars—they’d be worth a fortune today. Thanks for giving us some insight into your honest ideas of Home. 🙏
I especially appreciate the idea of more figurative homes: "I didn’t have a tribe or an ideology or any serious belief system. I copied and pasted other people’s lives onto my own, then quickly rejected those same lives out of hand because it never felt like “me,” even if I didn’t know precisely what “me” even meant. I see now this was my search for home. Inner home, behavioral home, spiritual home, literary home." Interesting notion of a "behavioral home" -- another way of describing self-trust?
Academia was a home for me for a time. So was the lit mag landscape, somewhat. I think all of us on Substack are trying to figure out what a literary home looks like now.
Man, I could have written this. It nearly to the T describes my life--the alienation, the endless running, the desire for home, the pathological (In my case, anyway) inability to fucking sit still. I am building my little home--for all sorts of reasons, I cannot run this time. So, I'm digging in. I really enjoyed this piece.
You have come from such a long way. Keep going, your doing good and pretty much on schedule for the 40's person. Everyone has 'something' -- Everyone. The reason your dad was how he was, the reason your mom was how she was....we all have 'something'.
The best and hardest thing I have to remind myself (with many somethings) is none of the things I perceive from others, is personal towards me. It's just their 'something-ness' (ms).
I so enjoy your substack and am excited for you and your new found home.
Home Is Where Your Heart Is.
So many of us souls who hid inside our minds. Experimenting with drugs until I found my favorite. Drink? Never could I tried many times but always got sick. I’m sure that saved me from becoming an alcoholic. So instead I became a tweaker. I see them now- the ones living in their heads like I did. I swear if I was ever around the stuff now I would turn and walk away. But there is that still small voice which says Please? Just a little bit? I am quite sure I would not partake but who knows-we know the fight is forever. Now all the meds I have to take to keep my RA sort of under control so no way would I mix anything with those. Strange the things that take over our minds will also take control of our bodies as we dance through the days & nights of sobriety.
Strange the years prior I had friends who loved downers, the mellow, slow high that just let you chill. That was never me. I was full of energy back then, so I don’t know why my Master for years at a time was Speed, GoFast, Bing Bing Bing, all of those nicknames - all I wanted was more- crank, Ice, Meth.
I do not blame my using for my having RA. My very straight sister who once favored a Scotch & Soda now & then. It is in the family, RA. I was clean long before the diagnosis. I thought about how I could have made this happen. Nope it was in me from birth.
Now the meds I hate all those years ago, are my life line. I can easily not take too many but the pain is brutal now & then.
So I used back then to try to outrun myself only to find that little girl who lost her Daddy at 12. I was running from how to deal with it.
Sorry for the long reply. Sometimes it just flows on its own.
Peace & Best of what life has to offer 🕊️
I love your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your stories. I am so glad you and Britney are “home” for now. Enjoy your journey and all the stops along the way.
Glorious to know you as we approach your 14th sober birthday in 5 days. Ahh I remember yards and yards of orange track spread all over the house for my Hot Wheels. Great memories and I wish I still had that footlocker full of cars—they’d be worth a fortune today. Thanks for giving us some insight into your honest ideas of Home. 🙏
I especially appreciate the idea of more figurative homes: "I didn’t have a tribe or an ideology or any serious belief system. I copied and pasted other people’s lives onto my own, then quickly rejected those same lives out of hand because it never felt like “me,” even if I didn’t know precisely what “me” even meant. I see now this was my search for home. Inner home, behavioral home, spiritual home, literary home." Interesting notion of a "behavioral home" -- another way of describing self-trust?
Academia was a home for me for a time. So was the lit mag landscape, somewhat. I think all of us on Substack are trying to figure out what a literary home looks like now.
Man, I could have written this. It nearly to the T describes my life--the alienation, the endless running, the desire for home, the pathological (In my case, anyway) inability to fucking sit still. I am building my little home--for all sorts of reasons, I cannot run this time. So, I'm digging in. I really enjoyed this piece.