Surviving the Unendurable
Addendum. My husband always says I simplify too much. Sorry. But honestly, when I was going through the Midlife Angst, I made a conscious decision to Seek Beauty. It's a mind changer. It was for me, and continues to be. There is so much beauty in the World...
Well, Michael ...why is it shameful? You are human. And you can write of beauty...you need to seek it Seek beauty, Michael.
It takes courage to write this type of confessional. Hat's off. I too am an ex-drunk/addict. Been sober thirty-seven years. Those of us like you and I have much in common. And we obviously know how to survive. At least until we can begin to get better.
"But I still cling to some degree to the delusion—and it is a laughable delusion—that I’ll be ‘understood’ some day."
I felt this so hard, I literally lol'ed. A laughable delusion indeed!
"I know this logically; intellectually. But I somehow don’t entirely believe it emotionally; spiritually." Yep. I'm with you, brother
You will find that road, too!
A deep and truthful reflection of self. Once we are willing to admit our weakness and be open to talk about it. It will no longer hold us back from our goals. It is the beginning of a positive change. If you persevere down on this path, you will realise the disadvantages of your life can turn out to be the advantages for your future.
I used to go to 12 step meetings and what I really miss now that I don't is the honesty. Most people at the meetings I went to sometimes felt ashamed thinking they were bad people -- and they were willing to say so. This is in striking contrast to the rest of life where everybody also feels ashamed thinking they are bad people but won't say so.